It’s Saturday morning and still there’s no throughput. Although there are a million things I’d rather do, I take a deep breath and phone The Big Ugly.
After about 20 minutes I have successfully completed the customary questionnaire and it is agreed that there is a problem with my connection. In that one fleeting moment it would seem that we are, at least temporarily, on the same page.
Yes, it was all going rather well... and I was only delayed a further 15 minutes when I tried to escalate my case.
‘Please madam, you need to wait until Monday’, asserted the rising voice. ‘This is not the procedure and we must follow procedure or the problem will not be captured correctly.’ she said, now shouting like a desperate supply teacher.
‘No, I’d like to be put through now please,’ I said very calmly.
‘Madam, why do you want to speak to the Complaints Manager? He won’t be able to help you’, snapped the girl at the other end of the phone.
‘No, if you could just put me through please,’ I said again.
‘This is pointless and it won’t get you anywhere. You should follow the procedure and wait until Monday.’ she spat aggressively.
No, thank you, I’d like to be put though now, please,’ I said one last time, trying very hard not to breathe, giggle or cry.
‘Right, madam,’ she barked.
In fairness, she almost certainly made a good point, but she was absolutely livid with me. I appreciate that she was only doing her job. I also concede that my request was probably forcing her to put a tick in the wrong box. Still, the last time somebody shouted at me like that, I think I was probably playing with matches, hanging out of a tree or running to cross a busy road.
She had the shrill alarm in her tone that can only be explained by immediate danger. Beware! Be afraid! Don’t under any circumstances approach the Complaints Manager! Whoa, the big bad wolf has nothing on this guy! He can’t huff and puff and blow your house down, but he’ll suck you all into oblivion through his Big Bad Ugly telephone receiver!
Well perhaps that Complaints Manager was out for the weekend, as the one I spoke to was one of the most lifeless, dejected, beaten individuals I have ever come across. It’s weird, but I couldn’t help thinking that even on my scruffiest, wettest, shaggiest dog-day, I’ve got a bit more oomph than this poor chap. Oh, please! I really hope so. In fact, part of me wanted to give him a hug and a drop of Rescue Remedy, but the other part was focused on the throughput.
I don’t know what I expected, but I think it was basically more of the same. I believe the technical terms for this are ‘fobbing-off’ or ‘stringing-along’. This guy just didn’t have it in him. As soon as we realised this, Hoobiz and I decided to record the call. It’s at times like this that I wish I was a bit more technical (practical) and could work out how to do a podcast or something clever like that… However, for now, here’s the abridged transcript:
Me: So you’re saying that to add more ports or increase the capacity is just too expensive?
The Complaints Manager: Yes, that’s right...That’s not me telling you that, it’s the higher levels.
Me: Then this is a known issue, which is what I was told by the Engineer. He also said that there won’t be a permanent fix.
The Complaints Manager: That’s right. There is no permanent fixture, until more ports are added.
Me: So, the best service we can hope for...well it’s on a rotation, but we could always be at the bottom. In effect, we could just not have any throughput at all because the allocation we are being given is too small.
The Complaints Manager: That’s right.
Me: But how is this acceptable? How can you charge me for something that you can’t provide? What if I was a new customer, where would you put me?
The Complaints Manager: Well, it depends on the exchange, but there is very little we can do...
Me: So it sounds like we are at a bit of a deadlock here, as there is no permanent fix, or at least not one that The Big Ugly will pay for.
The Complaints Manager: To be frank...yes. I can tell you this and I can tell you that, but there are no permanent fixtures. People are getting annoyed. People are leaving The Big Ugly. We are not providing any proper services at all.
Perhaps it was all just a clever ploy after all. I mean it’s difficult to deal with someone when they are basically saying,’ Yes, we know we are useless, but we’re simply not going to change I’m afraid.’
I agreed to ‘wait until Monday’, when we would receive the update from the Complex Fault Team. We knew this wasn’t going to be a solution, but it was decided that we could discuss the next steps after these findings were recorded.
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